February.

There's only 8 days left in February and so far I've posted once. I haven't felt as motivated to blog lately. I've said it once, and I'll say it again - reader participation really does help in wanting to keep the "conversation" going (hint, hint!). But it also comes down to a lack of energy to write out my thoughts into something worth reading.

In any case, here's a montage of everything I've thought about blogging about and never got around to it:

On us...

 

We celebrate four years of marriage this month!

Tim is a month into his second semester at CSU. I'm liking his new schedule because it allows him more time at home, though we know we need to be careful in setting aside blocks of time for him to study. If all goes according to plan, he should have his English degree at the end of this year. We are so grateful for this time together, knowing that once he has a full time job all of that will change. We are so blessed. We are also so thankful that he has been healed by God of his chronic, intense, all-over joint pain through the use of magnet/infrared therapy. Sounds crazy I know, but it worked for him!

I am still enjoying my time at home with the boys, though cabin fever is beginning to take it's toll. I find myself losing my patience more and my tendency to yell increasing. Being indoors all the time with two active boys is challenging, both mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal.Facing all my health challenges has definitely added to my frustrations, but these seem to be on the upswing (praise the Lord!) so I'm hopeful. I truly can not wait for spring to be here so we can break out of winter hibernation. That all said, I count it a privilege to be a stay at home mom and I will always choose raising them myself versus another career path.

This year holds a lot of exciting things, including Tim graduating, new and exciting ventures, getting to go back to England (I can't wait!), returning to Goderich, and possibly trying for Baby # 3 - but not until the fall/winter and only if my health is stable.

On faith....

source

So thankful that God is bringing us into a new and better understanding of the Gospel message and that His
G R A C E is so key, so YES! I am praising God today that for the first time in a long time I have the assurance of salvation and I can stand and say with C E R T A I N T Y that I am saved and that it is by the blood of Christ alone shed for me! How could I ever let that be taken from me? And not only that but the joy that is found in the Lord, the freedom from not being under the Law, and the deep, unending love of God for me? What Tim and I both hunger for is more of the joy of the Lord and a deeper understanding of the depth of His love for us. To truly believe those words in Zephaniah that declare:

"The Lord your God is with you,

the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

in his love He will no longer rebuke you,

but will rejoice over you with singing."

I think we have been lacking in certain areas because we doubted His love for us, his boundless compassion and forgiveness - that even on our worst days, when our obedience to His commands was left wanting, we were never beyond the reach of His grace. God IS jealous for our hearts and DOES love us passionately. Why is that so hard for me to receive? Being in His Word (which I have always struggled with) is helping every day to know Him more. From my study of the Old Testament, I'm learning that the character of God is F A I T H F U L and P A T I E N T.  The picture of having a heart of stone these past several years keeps coming to mind, and of God breathing L I F E back into my spirit makes me think of Ezekial 11:19:

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them;
I will remove from them a heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." 

I am excited as we move forward into old Truths that have become new again. I pray these Truths continue to transform our hearts and renew our minds.

On the boys....

 

They both fell in love with Raffi through watching this concert on youtube. God bless that man. His presence and song create the proverbial happy place for young and old alike. I grew up loving his music and I'm so glad my boys love him too. Here they are watching together on the living room floor. It twas short lived, but sweet nonetheless.

Individually, 

Jack is pushing all my buttons lately. Maybe it's because we took away his naps so that he'd go to bed at night without a fuss (and by fuss I mean getting up every few minutes for an hour and a half after bed time), but man is that little guy feisty these days. His new thing is saying "But...." followed by some sort of argument as to why he should or shouldn't be doing something.  So frustrating. I know he's only two and a half, but he has the communication skills of a four year old, so I tend to expect more maturity out of him than maybe I should. Figuring out this parenting thing is exhausting and I'm so keenly aware that my anger and impatience is not helping anything. I asked Jack the other night what I could do to be a better mom to him and he said "Play." So true. I admit I have a short attention span for toddler games. Plus, I think we're all overtired which just makes room for more crying (including me!) That all said, I'm daily blown away by how bright and attentive Jack is. That he's sweet, generous and thoughtful. He verbalizes his love and is quick to compliment. And he's a good little boy. This past weekend a lady came up to me while we were out for ice cream to tell me how thankful she was to see children like Jack who were well behaved.  I'm grateful she took the time to share that with me.

Moses (Bobes, more often) is getting into everything now that he's mobile and almost walking. He's taken about five steps, but tends to prefer crawling. If you scold him when he's touching something he shouldn't, he gives you a crooked little grin and then does it again. Oi ve. But I know there's not real mischevious nature behind it, just a playful nature. Moses has the best laugh once you get him going - it's right from the belly. I look foward to the day where he and I can have a conversation and he and Jack can be eachother's best friend.

The end.

Patience & Hope

If ever a devotional spoke directly to my heart, it's this one. This week left me feeling as though life has been drawing us down into a dark hole - one that keeps bringing us further and further into darkness. This hole is laden with trials that Tim and I have been facing both together and individually {physical pain, financial stress, lack of the joy of the Lord, spiritual dryness} and those troubles seem endless and reoccuring. Last night I asked God to not take us any further into this hole; the darkness was beginning to feel consuming. And He responded this morning through this devotional that Tim shared with me:

Patience and Hope

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning– Psalm 30:5

Weeping does indeed endure. In fact, the night of weeping can sometimes appear to be endless. When sorrow comes over us in waves, when disappointments follow hard on the heels of each other, when physical pain wracks our body — the night stretches on and on.

But here is the great consolation of Scripture. Joy is coming! It may seem to linger, but it is irresistibly moving toward you and will reach you with the darkness-shattering power of the dawn. Now matter how severe the shadows, no matter how stormy the darkness, once the dawn comes the night is easily and quickly forgotten. No darkness is so great that the coming of the Son does not drive it away.

For the Christian, the best is always yet to come. Is the energy and beauty of youth behind you? The best is yet to come. Has health and strength left you? The best is yet to come. Have you lost a loved one to that old enemy Death? The best is yet to come.

Weeping may endure; there are sorrows that simply cannot be faced without tears. But joy is coming…dawn is approaching…the best is yet to come.

How crazy is it that this touches on my exact thoughts {as bolded}!! Well, that's just God for you. He hears us. He is for us.

JOY IS COMING.

DAWN IS APPROACHING.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

I even changed our Scripture board to remind us :)

When Love Sees You

He has a plan for all of us. What's holding you back from discovering His plan for you?

(the still shot on this video makes it looks as if its really cheesy/comedic. it's not. chills at 3:33)

He is Risen!

When there is more hard...

It was October. I was a sophmore at St. Augustine All-Girls Academy. I had just transferred there to be with my best friend, Stephanie, after a difficult first year at Strongsville High. Difficult enough that I spent most of the year depressed and struggling with thoughts of suicide. The move to SAA was supposed to be my ticket to happiness. And it was...for about the first two weeks. After that, everything changed. Stephanie - for reasons I can only guess at - suddenly turned into my worst enemy nightmare. It was bullying at its ugliest in the way only girls can manage - with words rather than punches. The way she would walk up behind me in a busy hallway between classes and whisper, "You're fat" in my ear or how she would humiliate me in front of a whole classroom of girls by saying some snide comment in my direction. Then one morning I found two pictures of overweight girls cut out from a magazine with hurtful words written on them that she had stuck to the front of my locker. Thankfully, I had arrived early so the halls were almost empty which spared me further humiliation. But enough was enough. I couldn't go on living like that.

I remember wishing I could talk to my sister in that moment. Hilary had been a voice of encouragement over the course of my depression - always talking me down from that ledge. She was in college at the time and had gotten involved with a group called Campus Crusade for Christ. Hilary and I had had long conversations about faith and Jesus but I still wasn't sure how I felt about it all. It wasn't that I had a hard time believing, I just wasn't ready to commit my life to it. That day, I was brought to a crossroads. As I sat in that hallway, humiliated and alone, something caused me to pull out a small booklet Hilary had given me that I kept in my book bag. It was a guide to knowing God (as seen here) with a prayer at the end asking Jesus into my life. I stopped at the prayer, knowing I was on the edge of some life-changing moment. It was now or never. I knew I'd reached the end of my current life - that I was ready to commit suicide unless something changed. And God, based on what I'd heard about Him, seemed like my only hope. And so I prayed this prayer in my heart (twice - for good measure I guess. In case the first time didn't take):

"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be"

From that day forward, life was never the same. The funny thing is, my circumstances didn't change right away. Stephanie continued to give me a hard time and I continued to face humiliation. The difference was that my outlook changed. I had something to cling to in the darkest of hours - like a mother hen draws her chicks under her wing, so God drew me under His. Jesus was and is my refuge, my example, my everything. Four years later I received a call from Stephanie apologizing for what she had done. She said her new found faith in Jesus had prompted her to make amends. That was a miracle.

It's uncomfortable to relive that part of my life and to remember the shame and humiliation . To dive back into that time when everything was dark and I was so close to choosing death instead of life. And then I come back to what my reality is now on this sunny beautiful afternoon over a decade later where so much has changed.  Where life has created life and before me are two little boys who are a part of me and my continuing story. It feels so far from where my story with Christ began and I am ever grateful for that.  However, I will never forget the power found in the pain I faced. Pain was and still is one of the fastest ways God makes paths into my heart where there wasn't one before. As this post so beautifully puts it - when there is more hard, there is also more Jesus. So while I am thankful for the freedom and joy I experience today, I am also thankful for what is hard and what is painful because it invites more of Jesus into my life.

"...But you, Lord my God,

brought my life up from the pit.

When my life was ebbing away,

I remembered you, Lord,

and my prayer rose to you,

to your holy temple.

Those who cling to worthless idols

turn away from God's love for them

But I, with shouts of grateful praise,

will sacrifice to you.

What I have vowed I will make good.

I will say, 'Salvation comes from the Lord."

                                                    Jonah 2:6-9

Upon reflection

I'm absolutely, 100% ok with feeling as though I really only fit in with my family. Because some people don't even have that.

And when I see two faces greeting me at the front window after a long day of work, with one little set of hands banging against the glass in excitement about my arrival, I really do think to myself, "This is what counts."

So as much as I'm having a very "Eeyore" day, my life is full of love and God forgive me when I don't stop to count my blessings.

He Healed Me!

A miracle happened today. A small miracle, I suppose, in the grand scheme of miracles. But a precious and personal miracle nonetheless.

About a year ago, while I was pregnant with Jack, a test result revealed some abnormal cell growth in my body. These cells were diagnosed as pre-cancerous. Cancer is a word that packs a punch to the stomach no matter what the context. It's everywhere these days; it feels inescapable. It was hard news to receive, especially knowing that it was caused by an incurable cancer-causing virus in my body. I was told by my doctor that a biopsy would be taken again in six months and that the cells would either worsen, stay the same or revert back to normal. I prayed. I asked others to pray. Please God, not cancer.

Six months later, the condition had worsened. I was devastated. A follow up biopsy was scheduled another six months out, and I was given the same possible outcomes - it would either get worse, stay the same, or start to get better. Knowing the cancer-causing virus was still pulsing through my veins gave me reason enough to assume the worst. I asked God again to heal me. I asked and begged and pleaded. This time I asked that He'd not only heal the cells, but remove the virus from my body. It seemed like such an impossiblity, and yet I know that nothing is impossible with God - that he knitted me together in my mother's womb (Psalm 139) and commanded every cell into place, so nothing is incurable or unfixable or unhealable. On two separate occasions I had people from the prayer team at church lay hands on me and ask for healing. The second time, I was actually told by the man praying for me that I was healed. But because there were no outward signs of this, it was a hard promise to hold onto. I spent the next few months trying not to be anxious about it, but every now and then it would grab me by the throat and choke me with fear. Cancer felt inevitable.

Last week I had my follow-up biopsy. My doctor said the cells looked "ok" and there were only a few suspicious areas. I felt the best case scenario would be that the condition reverted back to "mild" but I braced myself for more bad news. Today was results day. I had to wait an hour and a half before I saw the doctor. That's when she told me the news:

"Well, the cells have gone back to normal. Even the biopsy was negative."

Wait..what?! Everything's normal?! Even she seemed surprised by the results, proposing that perhaps they missed something. But I knew that God had heard my prayers; that in some undeserved act of mercy He had worked a miracle in me again - as He had done on so many other occasions. My pancreas, my liver, my intestines, my pregnancy.... so many occasions where doctors began to prepare us for bad news and then would be puzzled when the next set of tests would reveal normalcy. He has spared me more times than I can count. And today was another day to count as His alone. Today I received some of the best news of my life. Today I was given the gift of God's never ceasing mercy. Today is a day I will never forget. May HIS name be praised and lifted up, for his goodness endures forever.

John Mark McMillan

Last night we went to a John Mark McMillan concert. His songs are unlike any other kind of mainstream worship music out there; you'll never hear his original songs on the radio (although you'll hear his song How He Loves covered a hundred different ways) and you'll definitely never hear his songs sung in church. He reminds me of a modern day Johnny Appleseed (maybe it's the beard and plaid shirts); a grassroots Jesus follower whose music is more powerful than it is popular. And that's saying something.

The crowd was young - late teens, early twenties - and a bunch of kids with sweet hair, cool glasses and super trendy thrift store clothes: the quintessential hipsters. These are the kind of kids that church leaders have conferences about - the kind they want in their churches, but can never quite get in the doors... the ones they are constantly in state of unrest about... "Why isn't the twenty-something generation in church on Sunday? Where are they?!"

Answer: They're probably at John Mark McMillan concerts. Already worshiping their hearts out. McMillan's lyrics aren't exactly for the luke-warm either. Chances are, if you're young and you can't get enough of JMM's lyrics, you can't get enough of Jesus. I say all this as an observer; as someone who stood in that crowd in awe of all these unlikely followers of Christ, challenged and humbled in my half-hearted tendencies by their whole hearted passion.

When he broke into How He Loves, you just know the crowd had been waiting for it. Waiting to sing one of the biggest worship songs of the year with its humble author who had penned it many years ago. The experience was too powerful for words. If you don't know the story behind How He Loves, you can hear about it in the video below.

At one point John Mark sang the line, "Glory to One, God's murdered Son, who paid for my resurrection." He sang it a couple of times and then left the stage with the band, leaving the crowd in darkness as they repeated the line over, and over, and over. Then people started to stomp in time with the beat. And clap. And raise their hands. And the voices swelled and grew louder and more filled with the power of the lyric. And for five minutes I experienced something that was more powerful than a whole month, nay... year of church Sundays.

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

A few months back I mentioned that I was about to begin reading The Pursuit of God: The Human Thirst for the Divine by A.W. Tozer. Admittedly, as with most non-fiction stories, I was very enthusiastic about it to begin with until something shiny came along and I became distracted.

Wanting to keep to my goal of spending more time in the Word and to reading in general, I picked the book back up and started at the chapter where I had left off entitled, "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing." Tozer has certainly touched on a profound Truth when he discusses the issue of "things" (i.e. things of this world/possessions) dethroning God from the center of our lives:

(parts in bold are my own)

"Our woes began when God was forced out of His central shrine and things were allowed to enter. Within the human heart things have taken over. Men have now by nature no peace within their hearts, for God is crowned there no longer, but there in the moral dusk, stubborn and aggressive usurpers fight among themselves for first place on the throne.

This is not a mere metaphor, but an accurate analysis of our real spiritual trouble. There is within the human heart a tough, fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is to possess, always to possess. It covets things with a deep and fierce passion. The pronouns my and mine look innocent enough in print, but their constant and universal use is significant.

The roots of our hearts have grown down into things, and we dare not pull up one rootlet lest we die. Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution."

Holy smokes!

Did I forget to mention we went to a marriage seminar this past weekend that was abso-lute-ly amazing?! No? Well let me tell you folks - it was incredible. If you know what's good for you(r marriage) you'll carve out a few hours of your night, make a cup of coffee (or two), and cozy up with your spouse while you listen to David Rheinstein's talk on marriage (and life with Christ as a whole) here . It's challenging, funny and sobering. It's convicting and encouraging. It's worth every minute of your time. I promise.

Oh, and if you want to read a great commentary (which I couldn't agree with more) on the WWJD marketing ploy, please check out David's article found here.

{{sigh}} There's nothing like Truth and sound teaching to remind me that I serve an awesome, intelligent God.

Rambling Thoughts.

This morning I feel like I drank five cups of coffee when in reality I've only had 3/4 of a cup. It's one of those days when I could completely destroy a to-do list with an uncharacteristic flare of overachievement. Maybe it's because I started my day with good music (Tim, I bet you can't guess what song :p) which always gets me dreaming, scheming and planning a terrific show of reckless decision making that always gets me from here to some other fantastic place in life. Is this making any sense?

I keep having this overwhelming urge (not just today, but for a while now) to come to a screeching halt, put everything on hold for a moment, and completely reevaluate where we are as a family, what could but has not yet been achieved, and where - if given the chance to be made into a reality - we dream of ending up. I'm not necessarily talking about location, but rather of mission and how we go about life; how we approach the possibility of living each day doing something we're passionate about. Tim and I would both admit that we don't do enough dreaming with God or exploration into what's outside the box we've somewhat created for ourselves. That said, this is a unnerving thing to do because you never know where God's going to take you. In my experience, though not without trial and challenges, it's always been into some wonderful adventure. Thus, my absence of trust is unfounded and completely unfair. I feel like I've talked about this topic a lot lately. Have I? Sorry for being repetitive. I often do a whole lot of thinking and talking and not a whole lot of doing. It's a serious character flaw of mine.

The thing about pursuing that which you love, whatever or whoever it is, is that it requires sacrifice. Anything truly worth pursuing is going to require some sweat and tears. In the case of pursuing God, sacrifice is not only required but very much repaid in full and then some. I believe this with my whole heart. So why I hesitate to truly pursue the things He has for me, for us, is beyond me. Scripture would chalk it up to foolishness and I couldn't agree more.

Well the 1/4 cup of coffee I had left is now cold and the pseudo-caffeine buzz I've been coasting on this morning is fading. My playlist switched into chill mode so I'm rapidly crashing into the moody blues.

One click to a new track and I'm back on top.