Sometimes I actually accomplish things....

Summer feels like it's just getting going for me. The temperatures are super hot - which I never like - but it also means that July + August are almost here and lots of exciting things are happening! We leave for our glorious 10-day British getaway next Friday afternoon and I am itching to get started on packing! I love packing for a vacation, but always procrastinate unpacking once we get home. The opposite is true when moving - I don't enjoy packing up a home, but love the process of unpacking and setting up. I have been keeping an ongoing list of things to bring so as not to forget when it comes time to put everything into a suitcase; sure I'll remember my toothbrush and passport but I might forget to pack a spare pair of contacts or my jacket if I don't write it down.

Something that I really wanted to get before we left was a new DSLR camera. My Canon Rebel was fine, but sometimes the quality wasn't what I had hoped for in such an expensive camera. As it turns out, Dodd Camera was having a "buy your old equipment" event at the same time a really nice Nikon camera I now own went on crazy sale. I still have to learn how to make the most of it's capabilities. But I'm hopeful it'll live up to my expectations.

I tested it out for the first time last week after I'd had an unusually productive day in the "being creative" department. These days are few and far between, so it was worth documenting. First, I finally got around to making a pom pom garland for our front window. It cost me all of $2 to make in about 40 mins. I found the pom poms at the dollar store (2 bags of various colors) and then strung them together using a needle and some white thread. Simple!

This isn't exactly a huge achievement, but I also figured out a way to get some vegetables in my kids! They used to love them as babies but now I can't seem to persuade them to eat anything except maybe potatoes. It's the oldest trick in the book, but I decided to blend a ton of spinach into some homemade pasta sauce. At first the color was a bit brown so they probably would have passed on it based on presentation alone, but after adding a tin of tomato paste I was back to some basic who-knew-it's-full-of-green-veg spaghetti sauce. And they ate it all! Woo! I even got a smile out of Jack.

Today was spent less productively killing a ton of flies which I suspect are coming up from our basement. SO stressful. Although I guess I was successful if you count that I'm 20 for 20 in terms of flies and their squished little bodies.

Three Years.

Dear Jack,

On Sunday you turned three. Three! We celebrated you all weekend because you're that special. My favorite part of your birthday was taking you out for ice cream, just the two of us. You chose Chocolate Chip Ice Cream w/ Dinosaur Sprinkles.

I also love that for months you've been requesting a carrot cake for your birthday. I had fears you'd change your mind day of, but you I think you loved every bite. You were such a good host at your party - making sure to play with all the kids, and (my favorite) changing where you sat to eat your cake so that you could "mingle." Daddy and I were so proud of the way you were quick to say thank you to the giver of each gift you received. In fact, you have become so quick to say thank you for lots of things these days - you recognize when someone does something nice or considerate and you make note of that. I really admire that about you.

You and your best bud Rylan at your party

I like that you are such a lover of people and companionship. You just love to be around others. So much so that you hate having to go to bed, in case you might miss out on something. You also love to use your intelligent brain as much as possible by asking lots of questions (lots and lots and lots), playing board games, reading books and doing puzzles. However, you recently developed a real interest in super hero action figures. It's fun watching your interests expand and grow.

You are also a creature of habit - you like toast every morning while watching a movie. Sometimes cereal if you're in the mood. At nap/bed time you always need your blanket ("bee"), your stuffed Peter Rabbit ("bunny"), a cup of cold water, some books, one of your action figures, and a tissue. You love being outside most of all - especially if it involves running in the sprinkler, playing water guns with Daddy, blowing bubbles or watering the plants. You would go to your Nan's every day if you could and you really love your friends and family - especially Ben, Luke, Brianna, Reese and Rylan. And Moses of course - but you guys fight a lot. I hope you both grow out of that!

Other things you've really enjoyed this past year are: wearing your rain boots, going to the Nature Center, eating popcorn for a treat, going to the library, pushing the kiddie cart at Trader Joe's or riding in the "speed racer" cart at Heinen's, watching "The Sandlot" or "Fantastic Mr. Fox", going to any and every playground, riding in your wagon, helping with the laundry and cleaning the toilet!

Your vocabulary and speech is pretty incredible and I'm not just biased! Everybody says it, and it is quite remarkable the way you are able to communicate. It's also crazy how many things (memories, facts, etc) you are able to recall. Below are some little quotes I shared on Facebook and I wanted to compile them here. But before that, I just want to say how much I LOVE YOU even if I get frustrated a lot or seem mean like a "bad guy" in Spiderman's world, as you compared it :P - I treasure you and who you are. Oh, and you're "I love you Mom"s in the midst of my stress really does change my perspective.

You are an incredible little boy, and I'm so blessed that you're mine!!

Love Mom

Jack Says:

Jack - "Mommy do you like those sandals?"
Me - "Yes, I'd like to them get them"
Jack - "You can't they're too expensive."
Me - "Is that right?"
Jack - "Yeah, and they'll hurt your back."

Jack and I were doing a puzzle today of a cartoon marching band. I asked him if anyone in the picture looked like me and he pointed out the long blond haired prom queen who was riding in a car behind the band and waving. Inaccurate, but flattering none the less. Then I asked him if anyone in the picture looked like Tim. I thought maybe he'd point out the prom king, since he was seated next to the prom queen. Instead he pointed to a Latino boy playing the trumpet and said "That looks like Daddy." Interesting.

Every time (every.time) we have a dance party, the first song Jack always requests is Beyonce's "Single Ladies: Put a Ring on It." He says, and I quote, "It cheers me up." Bless his heart.

When he makes a mistake or has to restart a statement he often does this little laugh and says, "Oh, sorry sorry..." and then begins again.

According to Jack, Tim is good at: driving, pooping, opening doors and knocking on them. Sounds about right.

I spent the morning writing out invites to a little party we're having for his birthday next month. He later thanked me for doing so, completely of his own accord.

Jack says "I have to go potty. I can't poop my pants. That's how I roll."

Jack opened his Bible today and asked if he could pray for me. Um, yes please. His prayer was as follows... and I quote: "Please protect Mommy....from Moses pulling her hair and from touching the heater, so that she doesn't freak out." Jack, you know me too well. I should have you pray for me more often.  

Love you buddy!
May the Lord bless you, keep you, and protect you all the days of your life!

Morning Breath

This morning Jack climbed into our bed as he usually does and laid down between us. He and I were both laying on our backs while Tim was laying on his side facing us. This is important to note because it meant Tim's very potent morning breath was being blown in our direction. After a few minutes of laying quietly the follow exchanged happened:

Jack (whispering) - "Dad..." pause "Dad..." pause "Dad...."
Tim (still half asleep) - "What Jack"
Jack - "You stink"

Classic.

For Jack

 

Dear Jack,

The first time I heard the song "Meadowlarks" by Fleet Foxes, it made me think of you.
Ever since then I've wanted to make this.

Let me start by saying I recognize the need, on a daily basis, to extend more grace and understanding to you. Many times I find myself being too hard on you and expecting more of you than you are able to give at the tender age of almost-three. In so many ways, you remind me of myself and maybe that's why - because I'm hard on myself too. Everyday, you deserve to hear of the value you hold not only in our family but in this great big world. To know that you are loved and cherished, unique and special.

My sweet little man - always know that you are precious in the eyes of God and worth more than my words could ever express. If I ever fail to say it enough, know that I love you to the depths of my bones and that my heart is held in the palm of your little hands.

Love always,
your Mother

*in case the video doesn't automatically load, here is the link

On Smart Phones

I held off as long as possible, but it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to getting a smart phone. They are a complete and utter time-suck, not to mention expensive. But after both of our phones stopped being able to receive texts from people with iPhones, it got to be annoying and we knew it was time to upgrade. So after much research we settled on the Droid 2. Is it just me or does the name Droid conjure up thoughts of all those robot movies where they develop a will of their own and annihilate civilization?

Anyways, I was just thankful that we got to keep our no-contract plan with PagePlus Cellular (only $60 a month total for both of us!) and that the phones themselves were reasonably priced considering phones out of contract can cost around $300-400 on average.

Naturally, the best part about a smart phone is the apps. Including.. Instagram. The same Instagram I referenced in my last post. And this even better picture app called Aviary. Ok, I promise I won't take pictures of my nicely folded laundry and make you think that my day is going way better than yours. But I do love to use it to take pictures of the boys:

And in the true spirit of keeping things in perspective, here's what else happened behind the scenes of these serene moments:

Jack and Moses both keep pooping. I mean, like all day. Just pooping. At one point, a turd fell out of Moses's diaper, down the leg of his pants and onto the dining room floor. I didn't see it happening in real time, but I knew right away what I was looking at when I spotted something on the floor from across the room. We're thinking the influx of feces was caused by swallowing some pool water yesterday when we were swimming. Whatever the reason, it's gross and messy. And while it's convenient Jack is potty trained (less diapers to change) Tim said he almost barfed when he had to..... ok, I'm sure you get the picture. Yesterday and today have been good days, but there's also been lots of poop.

On Preschool.

Jack turns three in June. 

Three = eligible for fall preschool enrollment.

Yesterday was a day where, despite having gone to bed at 1 am the night before (poor, poor decision), I made a concerted effort to really engage with the boys. Jack and I worked on alphabet flash cards, I crawled around on the floor a lot, we sang Raffi songs. I mean - I really gave it my all. And by noon (when Tim came home), after five hours of active toddler engagement, I was totally exhausted.  And that's just five hours. I know most moms give it a good solid eight hours before their spouses come home. Not to mention single parents! So you'd think I'd be celebrating the day when I could bring Jack to a place where they will teach him lots of neat things and do lots of creative activities while Moses and I kick back at home eating bon bons and oat puffs.

I was SURE I'd be excited for the day. Not because I don't like raising my kids, or because I dislike my time with Jack. But anyone who has two children 2 years and younger at home (who rarely nap at the same time) knows we all could use a little break every now and then. And when that break means someone is teaching my child valuable life skills - even better. Especially since there's some crazy statistic out there that kids who go to preschool have a higher rate of obtaining college degrees. So basically, if I don't send Jack to preschool I'm setting him up for a life of future hardship.

Nice try, statistics.

In any case, I love the idea of preschool. I just don't love the mega bucks it costs to attend (why aren't they free?!) Plus I started to feel sad that I would miss out on being a part of those "hands on" years of learning. But then I was like "Come on, Lauren. YOU can do that." Naturally, I have visions of Jack and I skipping through the woods examining leaf samples with magnifying glasses. And making solar systems out of styrofoam balls. And making lots of hand-print turkeys for Thanksgiving. Sure, it's probably not going to be a cakewalk, but preschool is expensive. While part of our tax return would certainly cover the fees, I think it's worth it for me to at least try my hand at intentionally educating him in the way a preschool teacher would. Between Pinterest and the craft store I'm sure I'll manage to sort something out.

That all said, I know I'm going to have to be organized in order to make this fun instead of stressful. To do it well, I'd want to set aside exclusive time with Jack two days out of the week (based off a normal preschool schedule) to do some intentional learning, which would mean I'd need someone to care for Moses.

I'd also like to follow some sort of curriculum - mostly because I suck when it comes to thinking about creative activities. I found this option through another blog and I think it could work well since it's simple, free, and incorporates faith into the lessons.

So that's the plan. 

Any advice on how to go about doing this in a fun, non-stressful way?

February.

There's only 8 days left in February and so far I've posted once. I haven't felt as motivated to blog lately. I've said it once, and I'll say it again - reader participation really does help in wanting to keep the "conversation" going (hint, hint!). But it also comes down to a lack of energy to write out my thoughts into something worth reading.

In any case, here's a montage of everything I've thought about blogging about and never got around to it:

On us...

 

We celebrate four years of marriage this month!

Tim is a month into his second semester at CSU. I'm liking his new schedule because it allows him more time at home, though we know we need to be careful in setting aside blocks of time for him to study. If all goes according to plan, he should have his English degree at the end of this year. We are so grateful for this time together, knowing that once he has a full time job all of that will change. We are so blessed. We are also so thankful that he has been healed by God of his chronic, intense, all-over joint pain through the use of magnet/infrared therapy. Sounds crazy I know, but it worked for him!

I am still enjoying my time at home with the boys, though cabin fever is beginning to take it's toll. I find myself losing my patience more and my tendency to yell increasing. Being indoors all the time with two active boys is challenging, both mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal.Facing all my health challenges has definitely added to my frustrations, but these seem to be on the upswing (praise the Lord!) so I'm hopeful. I truly can not wait for spring to be here so we can break out of winter hibernation. That all said, I count it a privilege to be a stay at home mom and I will always choose raising them myself versus another career path.

This year holds a lot of exciting things, including Tim graduating, new and exciting ventures, getting to go back to England (I can't wait!), returning to Goderich, and possibly trying for Baby # 3 - but not until the fall/winter and only if my health is stable.

On faith....

source

So thankful that God is bringing us into a new and better understanding of the Gospel message and that His
G R A C E is so key, so YES! I am praising God today that for the first time in a long time I have the assurance of salvation and I can stand and say with C E R T A I N T Y that I am saved and that it is by the blood of Christ alone shed for me! How could I ever let that be taken from me? And not only that but the joy that is found in the Lord, the freedom from not being under the Law, and the deep, unending love of God for me? What Tim and I both hunger for is more of the joy of the Lord and a deeper understanding of the depth of His love for us. To truly believe those words in Zephaniah that declare:

"The Lord your God is with you,

the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

in his love He will no longer rebuke you,

but will rejoice over you with singing."

I think we have been lacking in certain areas because we doubted His love for us, his boundless compassion and forgiveness - that even on our worst days, when our obedience to His commands was left wanting, we were never beyond the reach of His grace. God IS jealous for our hearts and DOES love us passionately. Why is that so hard for me to receive? Being in His Word (which I have always struggled with) is helping every day to know Him more. From my study of the Old Testament, I'm learning that the character of God is F A I T H F U L and P A T I E N T.  The picture of having a heart of stone these past several years keeps coming to mind, and of God breathing L I F E back into my spirit makes me think of Ezekial 11:19:

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them;
I will remove from them a heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." 

I am excited as we move forward into old Truths that have become new again. I pray these Truths continue to transform our hearts and renew our minds.

On the boys....

 

They both fell in love with Raffi through watching this concert on youtube. God bless that man. His presence and song create the proverbial happy place for young and old alike. I grew up loving his music and I'm so glad my boys love him too. Here they are watching together on the living room floor. It twas short lived, but sweet nonetheless.

Individually, 

Jack is pushing all my buttons lately. Maybe it's because we took away his naps so that he'd go to bed at night without a fuss (and by fuss I mean getting up every few minutes for an hour and a half after bed time), but man is that little guy feisty these days. His new thing is saying "But...." followed by some sort of argument as to why he should or shouldn't be doing something.  So frustrating. I know he's only two and a half, but he has the communication skills of a four year old, so I tend to expect more maturity out of him than maybe I should. Figuring out this parenting thing is exhausting and I'm so keenly aware that my anger and impatience is not helping anything. I asked Jack the other night what I could do to be a better mom to him and he said "Play." So true. I admit I have a short attention span for toddler games. Plus, I think we're all overtired which just makes room for more crying (including me!) That all said, I'm daily blown away by how bright and attentive Jack is. That he's sweet, generous and thoughtful. He verbalizes his love and is quick to compliment. And he's a good little boy. This past weekend a lady came up to me while we were out for ice cream to tell me how thankful she was to see children like Jack who were well behaved.  I'm grateful she took the time to share that with me.

Moses (Bobes, more often) is getting into everything now that he's mobile and almost walking. He's taken about five steps, but tends to prefer crawling. If you scold him when he's touching something he shouldn't, he gives you a crooked little grin and then does it again. Oi ve. But I know there's not real mischevious nature behind it, just a playful nature. Moses has the best laugh once you get him going - it's right from the belly. I look foward to the day where he and I can have a conversation and he and Jack can be eachother's best friend.

The end.

January Thaw

The other day I noticed a tulip bulb poking its little green neck out of soil, blissfully unaware that it's still the middle of winter. Little does it know these uncustomary warmer temperatures will only lead to its premature death once the ice returns. I admit, I felt a palpable sense of sadness for it.

Anyways, we took advantage of the January thaw by taking the boys on a long walk in the park. Jack has been stocking up on cabin fever so I couldn't get out there fast enough to let him burn off a little energy and breathe in some good old fresh air.  Is it just me, or does Jack have a ghostly white face? No matter how much I increase the color levels on this photo, his face remains translucent. Evidence that he hasn't been outside in a long time....

It was also a nice way to close our time as a family while Tim was on Christmas break from school. Having him home for a whole month was an incredible gift and I know it's going to be tough to get back into the swing of flying solo, especially on those days where it's too cold to go outside and the boys' rogue energy must be loosed within the constrains of these four walls. Like that eager tulip bulb I will be stretching my neck out of the house at the first sign of spring.

Here's to more beautiful winter days like this one.

Sledding Season

I love that some cultural traditions live on despite time and change. We celebrated New Year's Day with some good old fashioned sledding and though I begrudged the thought of getting Jack and myself all suited up to go outside in the snow, I knew it was the right thing to do in the spirit of living life with eyes wide open + playing with my kids more (as per this year's goals). And I'm so glad I chose to deny my lazy side and go because it was great. The fresh air, being out in the community with fellow sledders, the rush as you go whizzing down the hill. I watched a little girl go down the hill by herself and as she laid back on her bright red plastic sled, face to the sky, her expression was one of pure, unfettered joy.

If you haven't gone sledding in a while, you should. 

It's good for the soul.

 

The Fort Reveal!

Ta da! Here it is!

And here's the break down in cost + supplies:

Obviously this project is far more expensive than $21. Just because I had a lot of things around the house I could use doesn't mean I didn't pay for them at one time. Something like this, when starting from scratch, probably would cost over $100 to make. If you think that sounds unreasonable, consider that it took:

Four curtains (never cheap!)

Four pillows (2 large, 2 small)
A sleeping bag

A duvet cover

The IKEA star (which probably cost around $15 at the time)

Fabric + ribbon for the bunting

A hula hoop (which wasn't cheap at $7!)

And a spring hook

I point that out only because I know when I see DIY stuff like this on Pinterest I think "Wow, it'll be so much more cost effective to make this then it would be to buy it." At $100 plus, I'd say you're not really saving all that much money - unless, like myself, you happen to already have most of the supplies needed. And of course, I also get the pleasure of saying I made it myself (with the help of others). Thank you to Tim for being patient with me as I fussed over the whole thing and to my sister Andrea for making the bunting. It was the finishing touch!

Back to the Barber.

Remember this?
Ok, read on.

Barber shops have such a timeless appeal. For me, they've always held a certain level of intrigue as up until recently I'm not sure I ever stepped foot in one. And for good reason, since I'm pretty sure barber shops are for men. I mean, I don't go into barber shops for the same reason I don't go into men's restrooms.

But now that I have two boys, one with hair that needs some direction, I've found myself frequenting the barber shop around the corner from my parent's house. It's not exactly your classic barber shop with lots of classic, vintage decor - it's more of a...well, around the corner place, if you know what I mean. My mom was the first to initiate us taking Jack there. I think most mom's take their kids to the fun hair cut places, where they sit in something shaped like a car or a dinosaur and there's lots of cooing and high-pitched talking to keep the kids from crying and then at the end there's a treasure chest full of prizes.  Um, I guess I'm not one of those moms - Jack graduated straight to sitting with the adults. At least they offer him a sucker at the end. Oh, except I don't let him eat it because it's the Dum Dum brand that are total choking hazards for a two year old. So instead he just picks one, and then holds it for a few minutes, and then I distract him and give him bunny grahams at home instead. Sorry Jack, you'll thank me later (probably not).

If you're curious about how this whole barber shop adventure goes, you can read about it here. So far, it's the same every time. Children are creatures of habit and routine, and Jack is one of those creatures. Here are some pictures from our latest visit:

Yeah, about that...

Day 6 of 31 Days of William Morris:

I fail miserably.

Guys, it was just a bad week to commit to an attention-to-detail kind of project. As I mentioned earlier this week, my dad had quadruple bypass surgery and that, among a few other pressing things, just took up all my time and mental energy. So I'm going to bow out now because I know with how busy our schedule is this month, it's just not practical for me to try and complete projects + blog about them in such a short time span. I'll continue to work on them as I find the time and then post if I feel they're worthy of highlighting; i.e. probably not the before/after of my sock drawer.

As a consolation post, I'll tell you about the time we took Jack to the historical village:

First, we stopped by the craft tables so Jack could make a buckeye necklace (as seen in pictures below) and I could make a turkey door hanger thingy AND a pine cone door hanger with a bell. I mean, free holiday decor. I'll take it. Even if it's for the kids. Then Jack spotted the animals and wanted to pet them.

 Then he wanted to make some good old fashioned rope. Tim helped. The sun hurt his eyes, I guess.

They tested its strength to make sure these people pretending to be from olden days knew what they were doing. Apparently they did.

We stopped for photo ops along the way with Aunt Katie and Grandma. Whenever possible, Jack took the opportunity to poke Moses. Or, in the picture with Tim, look like he was having the worst time ever (false: he was not). 

In the case of this family photo (our one and only...seriously. For a number of reasons, including - mostly - I don't photograph well) Jack chose to cut the shenanigans and without any prompting, carefully place his hand on Moses' shoulder. It's as if he somehow knew it's "what you do" for a family portrait. Moses, with this same uncanny sense of etiquette, turned and smiled at exactly the right moment.  I think they conferred privately beforehand knowing it was now or never - if not for this one picture, there may never be photographic evidence we belonged together.

After this, we stopped by the schoolhouse and sat the boys in the little desks which, much like the Sorting Hat at Hogwarts, seemed to determine their futures as students: Jack - fun, intelligent, a little mischievous. Moses - happy, good listener, teacher's pet.

We closed the afternoon with some apple cider and popcorn while listening to a brass quartet play. Jack ate almost an entire bag of popcorn himself and then led my mother-in-law very purposely by the hand back towards the popcorn machine where I was sure he was going to ask for more. Instead, he walked straight to the garbage can, dropped in his empty bag and headed back to our table without another word. As a staunch anti-litterbug, it was a proud moment.

For the price of 50 cent refreshments + that $1 raffle ticket for a hand-made quilt (we did not win), we had one of those priceless afternoons they tell you about in Mastercard ads. Except better.

Anger.

Yesterday was a day where I struggled to feel a sense of purpose. I accomplished things, but they felt small and insignificant. Like doing the dishes, or sweeping dirt off the floor for the thousandth time. I fed Jack lunch. I made a pot of soup. I made our bed. I fed Moses and put him down for a nap. I ran an errand. I got dressed and put on some makeup. I wiped noses and changed diapers. I read some books and played. I cleaned my fridge (I mean...took everything out and washed it). Not exactly something I do everyday. But despite having gotten some everyday tasks accomplished, I still feel like it's all working towards nothing of consequence. Sure, my kids have been taken care of. But I also got really impatient with Jack about not eating his bananas, and pouring water all over his paints, and spilling coffee on the floor, and crying before nap time. I have a tendency to lose my cool with him which translates to a lot of yelling. Which I as well as anyone else knows, can be pretty damaging to his internal world. So despite my caring for his physical needs, I feel like I didn't do a great job of providing for his emotional needs and once again conveyed the message that it's ok to take your anger out on someone when you don't like what's going on around you.

I want to teach my boys compassion and kindness. Not anger and harshness. And yet, I'm definitely doing more of the latter with my bad attitude. Why does it make me so mad that he won't eat his bananas? Why do I get so irritated when he insists on doing things a certain way? When he cries about something as routine as a nap? His little childlike ways often grate my nerves. And so it's easy to assess my day on the negative interactions alone, since I feel they outweigh any good interactions. Or rather, I fear for Jack, the bad outweighs the good in his little heart. That I just keep damaging him with my words and actions. Even though, for instance, I went into his room after letting him cry for a few minutes to settle him for his nap, gently stroking his head, speaking softly to him, rubbing his back, I feel like it doesn't make up for being insensitive to his feelings and the fact that he'd rather stay up and play than go to bed.

In the words of another mother - "I never knew how much anger was inside me until I had kids." I feel like this defines my mothering experience at the moment. And I desperately want that to change. And so I've made improvements and I've been praying for God to soften my heart, and in small ways that blazing fire of anger inside me has calmed a little bit. Is a little more under control. But it is still there, and it still burns my children more than I'd care to admit.

I miss feeling for Jack what I feel for Moses - compassion and tenderness. For some reason, when they're babies, it's easier to forgive so much. They ask so little of me - just to be fed, changed, and cuddled. They're little bundles of cute, chubby love. But when they're two - they demand so much. The need, the dependency upon me for what feels like more than I'm able to give is exhausting and draining.  When Jack discovered his autonomous nature, it was as if we went to war, and ever since we've been trying to bend the other's will to our own. And so I find myself in hostile territories at times; one moment we'll be having a perfectly pleasant conversation or time of play and the next he'll be coloring on something he shouldn't or hitting Moses on the head (or me) for the hundredth time, and now the pleasantries are over. I know this is all typical, that he's acting exactly as a two year old might. But for some reason, my 28 year old self does not do well in handling naughtiness or irrational behavior, and so I find myself struggling to be understanding (while still firm, of course) instead of irritated.

The thing is... I also desperately love my boys. There is a deep ache for them as well as a deep compassion for them that flows from an entirely different place than where the anger comes from. It seems that the evening is when I have the most clarity, especially when it comes to my relationship with Jack. We are both doing our best to exert our will over the other person's, so we frequently butt heads throughout the day. But at night, when he's laying in bed and we're whispering to each other, it's my chance for confession and repentance. To tell him once more that I'm sorry for the way I spoke to him earlier. To remind him that despite what I might say or do, he's special, smart and important. To try and heal the emotional wounds I may have caused with a thousand I love you's. Last night as I laid my head next to his and looked into his soft little eyes and whispered "Jack" and he whispered back "What Mommy?" something inside me broke and all of my guilt and shame over the ways I've been too hard on him or too unforgiving or too irritated or too impatient came flooding out in sobs and "I'm so sorry's." Naturally, he had no idea what to do with himself except lay quietly and wait till I collected myself and stopped crying. And when I did, I invited him to cuddle me in my bed because the need to hold him close to was so strong and I knew it would heal us both a little bit. And as I pressed my head to his chest, he wrapped his arm around my neck as if to comfort me in my sorrow over my sin and the lost innocence of our relationship which I so desperately want back.

I'm thankful I serve a God of redemption who desires reconciliation and good to come out of any broken relationship. And I know that through all of this, the light that shines in the darkness of my heart is Him exposing my anger for what it is: a refusal to lay down my life for another. He is carving my heart to be more like his, and the more parts he shaves off the more painful it is but the further He gets in completing the good work which he has started in me.

I've made progress. I'm making changes to better serve my children. And God is working on the parts of me that only He can change. All I know is I want to be filled with the JOY of mothering and I want to rejoice over my children and be filled with compassion and love for them in a new way!

Loving the Little Years

I came across this picture today and it struck me how little Jack seems here, even though it was only taken about six months ago. We were at the Nature Center and he's looking at the turtles. The picture of innocence and sweetness. And yet, I'm sure at the time I did not feel he was so sweet nor so innocent. It made me realize how often I find myself hurrying him out of the little years. How quick I am to proclaim that I'll appreciate our relationship (and him) so much more once he's reached a future, more mature stage. How often I resent the stage we're in now; how guilty I am of resenting the things he cannot help about himself because he's a child and children are not adults. Children are not adults. It sounds so rudimentary and yet I have a hard time treating him as such and tend to expect him to behave like a twenty year old instead of a two year old.

It's shameful to me how often I find myself so irritated with him that I can't wait until Tim comes home so I can take a break from him. So I can get away from him. So I can go and breathe easy and think to myself "It'll all be so much better when he's older and in school." Seriously? That's how I want to feel toward my beautiful, miracle of a child? I mean, don't get me wrong there are times when I know I'm not being unfair in saying that I feel "beat up" by my kids at the end of the day.  Parenting is intense. In-tense. But it's also an excellent opportunity for me to humble myself, get down on my knees, and beg God to give me the strength to parent in a way that glorifies Him. I can't remember the last time I did this. Again, shame on me.

Jack is only ever going to be little once. He won't always see me as the center of his universe. He won't always want to be held in my arms or read books or dance or simply be absolutely everywhere I am. One day he'll stop requesting that I come into his room before bed to sing worship songs and lay my head on his pillow until he falls asleep. He won't always call me "Mommy." One day he'll choose to spend time with others over me. One day he'll seek comfort in the arms of a woman other than me. Some day he'll stop allowing me to kiss his cheeks whenever I want, and won't be quite so generous in kissing mine whenever I ask. One day he won't be little anymore. And I know, I just know in my soul, that if I don't start loving these little years, I'm going to weep over ever wishing them away.

Oh Lord, change my heart and let me love these precious, precious little years.
Let me soak up everyday with my children as if its my last.
Give me a tender heart towards them.
Bring peace to my home and blessings upon the life of my family. 

Help me to cherish these little years Lord, and keep me from wishing them away!

Those Terrible Twos

I'm not sure when it happened, exactly, but at some point we unknowingly got on a bus, forgot to get strapped in, and took a really bumpy ride into the land of Terrible Twos. I don't remember getting on that bus. And I definitely never signed a consent form. So someone duped me real good.

Let me pause here and point out that on the grand scale of bad behavior Jack is really quite tame. He's a thoughtful little boy with an incredibly bright mind and so many great qualities.

But for a few months, things got intense. Someone must have slipped him a handbook on how to live out your second year with the following instructions:

1. When asked to do something anything, always reply with a resounding "no" ("no way" also works) The more defiant the tone in which you deliver this message, the better.
2. Push to get what you want. Never give up. Never.give.up.
3. If you have siblings, be sure to bite, pinch, and/or hit them when someone isn't looking. This is best accomplished on siblings that are small and helpless, such as infants. If caught in the act, feign ignorance as to what you have done wrong. **Helpful tip** Biting the face is especially effective, but will result in a more severe punishment. Proceed with caution.
4. Feign ignorance as to what you have done wrong if when you do wrong.
5. Don't eat your dinner (especially meals containing vegetables).
6. Throw any unwanted food on the floor or wipe in hair.
7. Don't come when called. 
8. When in public, disregard all rules you know to be in place.
9. Employ all stall tactics available at bedtime. If you find yourself in bed against your will, be sure to (loudly) voice your objections.
10. Cry. Cry Hard. Cry Loud. Cry Often.

Thankfully, Jack seems to have recently misplaced his handbook. Or, most likely, the good Lord has seen fit to smile upon us all and misplaced it for him.

And so, this past week, I've had the pleasure of spending time with the little guy I remember from just before Moses was born. The one who loves to play and talk and read books and relate and eat snacks and be fun is back.

Don't get me wrong, we're not totally in the clear here. I mean, he still has vague recollections of his inherent duty to live out the Terrible Twos. But something in his little heart has softened towards this world and our home is a lot more peaceful and happy because of it.

 

I love you precious boy.

May I always, always fulfill the call to rejoice over your life.

Even on your bad days.

And especially on mine.

Jack Was Here: A Photo Post

On Adjustments

I swear I won't keep posting about my kids. I try not to be one dimensional on here and if you know me in "real life" you know that I'm not known for going on about my kids all day (right?!?).  But for now, here's another post about parenthood.

On Adjustments for Jack:

A month or two ago we took the side off of Jack's bed, converting it into a toddler bed. We felt he was ready for it. Plus, when we go up to Ontario next month to stay at the cottage we figured it would be easier to have him sleep in a normal bed than have to worry about bringing the pack and play. The first few weeks were smooth sailing: he never got out of bed (amazing!) and he seemed to really enjoy the fact that he had the ability to climb in and out of his bed during the day. Then the light bulb went off in his head that if he could get in and out during the day, that also included nap times and bed time! Freedom! Except it was really frustrating for us (and slightly creepy if you remember this).  Last night he got out of bed at midnight and then again at 5:45 this morning. And finally I'd had enough and Tim put the side back up and that was that. It was time to admit defeat for now and wait until he's a little older and more comprehensive. Jack took his revoked freedom with an air of grace when he saw his crib after breakfast. It might be a different story once he realizes he's trapped in their for bedtimes.

On Adjustments for Moses:

As you may remember, despite my best efforts, I had to stop breastfeeding. It still bothers me but I'm thankful that the formula has transformed Moses temperament as well as his skinny little legs into chubby ones. That said, I've never been comfortable with the nutritional makeup of soy formula (or formula in general). The fact that corn syrup is the first ingredient was enough to make me search out alternatives. I settled on making my own (what?!) after finding this recipe which looked pretty well-balanced to me. I won't use it exclusively as its pricey to make. But it's a good supplement to the store bought stuff. The other reason I won't be using it exclusively is because if I was caught feeding him the "homemade brew" in public, people would probably think I was feeding him dish water. I mean....let's not beat around the bush here. The stuff is absolutely a grayish green color (a result of the multi-vitamin). Don't judge. 

The Boys and their Nan.

 This photograph is so honest, and I love it.

Moses is King and Jack is a Dream

Has it really been over a week since I last posted? Where has the time gone? I think sometimes I also just don't feel like writing because keeping this blog seems like kind of a fruitless endeavor. I'm not sure what purpose it serves except to document the everydayness of our life in hopes that one day I'll want to look back and here it all will be, in one place at this address.

At the same time, sometimes I feel like there's so much I want to share on so many different topics but lack the words to do so, so I just leave it and wait until I have something good to say. Does that even make sense? I don't know. I just woke up from a nap and then ate crackers and honey and I think that combo is making me feel drowsy and incoherent.

But here's a picture of Moses to help make this post worthwhile...

Moses is SO king. I mean, first of all he's super cute (this picture doesn't do him justice). Secondly, he wears that awesome treehugger's "hug me" shirt so well, especially when it's paired with just a diaper. Thirdly, the child is a dream. I brought him to a wedding a few weekends ago and he sat in the stroller silently - wide awake - for almost two hours. It was a hot day and an outdoor wedding and he just sat there, sweating. Don't worry peeps, I know you're having visions of a poor Moses sitting in the sun and heat, silently suffering, while I looked on thinking he was having the time of his life. He was always in the shade and was fed part way through. THE POINT IS - he was so good. He's so good that I even considered bringing him to a movie theatre so I could go see a movie. I wouldn't be surprised if he slept through the whole thing. But of course... I talked some sense into myself and realized I'd be pushing his good nature into unmarked territory that I'm not quite ready to explore. Let's just say, we've come a long way from here.

And then there's Jack :) Jack is overall a very very well behaved little boy. But he's also very vibrant and determined. "Feisty" is the word two different people used to describe him while he was still in the womb and I think it's pretty spot on! He's fun, but he's also really intense sometimes (what two year old isn't?!) That said, I've been trying to remind myself about the importance of celebrating Jack's personality and "rejoicing over him" as I felt God tell me to do a few months ago. After all, on the scale of how the average two year old behaves, Jack - much like his little brother - is a dream. 

Of course, now I'm going to come to your house with my children in tow and Moses will cry the whole time and Jack will terrorize your cat or break your priceless antique vase and you'll hold me accountable to this post. I can see it now.

Moving on.... can I just say thank you to my sister Andrea for informing me about picmonkey?!?! Ever since Picnik shut down I have been missing fun photo editors - especially since everyone and their mother has Instagram and I'm jealous in my little heart over it. Well guess what? Picmonkey is Instagram for poor, iPhoneless people like me. Also a great idea from Andrea? - these glow worm jars. So cute. 

Alright folks, I got some livin' to do.