On True Life

Hi. I'm back. I don't know why I'm so uninspired to write these days. I think the challenge with blogs is the want to post about all the pleasantries of life (complete with lots of professional looking photographs) but there is a need for posts about what's really going on behind the scenes. Especially as a mom. It's easy to believe that many are living this really rosy, hipster-chic drinking iced tea from a Mason jar and eating organic yogurt with homemade granola from this bowl I carved with the knife I got in Europe while I watch the sunset over the pond by my cabin in the woods kind of life. And MAN would I love for that to be my reality all the time, but it simply isn't. It's natural to want to share pictures or posts of the happy, beautiful moments in your life - like the one above! With Instagram you can even make folding laundry look like the best moment of your day. And there's nothing wrong with that. But when that's primarily what everyone else is doing as well, it can easily make me feel like my life is dull or boring or hard. There's whole studies done on this topic:

Utah Valley University conducted research last year which indicated that people are becoming depressed after viewing Facebook. A sample of 425 undergraduate students was surveyed and for those who spent the most amount of time on Facebook, depression was more likely. Why? Those student perceived that others were happier and had a better life than they do. This phenomenon is known as “Facebook depression". (source)

Similar outcomes were found in a study done by Standford University:

By showcasing the most witty, joyful, bullet-pointed versions of people's lives, and inviting constant comparisons in which we tend to see ourselves as the losers, Facebook appears to exploit an Achilles' heel of human nature. And women—an especially unhappy bunch of late—may be especially vulnerable to keeping up with what they imagine is the happiness of the Joneses.

Facebook is, after all, characterized by the very public curation of one's assets in the form of friends, photos, biographical data, accomplishments, pithy observations, even the books we say we like. Look, we have baked beautiful cookies. We are playing with a new puppy. We are smiling in pictures (or, if we are moody, we are artfully moody.) Blandness will not do, and with some exceptions, sad stuff doesn't make the cut, either.

I think this can ring true for blogs as well. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to say people are lying, or that there's anything wrong with sharing pictures of the happy, beautiful moments in life. But it can make me feel alone in my struggles.  I've been reading this great book called Desperate: Hope For the Mom Who Needs to Breathe and I relate so much to what Sarah Mae, one of the co-authors, shares:

"The days became long and impossible. Taking care of my children was too hard. Being a good wife was too hard. Cleaning, creating life, living...was just too hard"     - Sarah Mae

"I've lain in bed too scared to get up and ruin another day - ruin my kids"    - Ann Voskamp (forward)

There's a lot I've found encouraging too, especially their perspective on what motherhood is supposed to be like rather than how we've been taught to approach it - primarily alone:

"Motherhood was meant to be experienced with other mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and a community of women sharing the load. Please do not attempt this alone!...Going at it alone is, without a doubt, one of those most common and effective strategies Satan uses to discourage moms...We are living in an isolationist culture today and have become accustomed to lonely living that God never intended us to experience. ..God made us for community and accountability and close friendship..Young moms were never meant to be without the advice and care of multiple women assisting them and advising them in their lives"      - Sally Clarkson (co-author)

To all these things I say "Yes!" and yet, it is so easy for all of us, no matter what our situation to feel ashamed to confess that we are struggling and need help. It's never easy to be vulnerable. And yet it's exactly what we need. Of course, we also need moments and memories that are joyful and photogenic because they remind us that there is always beauty to balance out the mess.

The point here is: Life's highlights are only highlights because of the shadows cast by our low points. It is right and good to celebrate eachother's highs, including our own. But it is seems to me that relationship and soul-bonding is almost always most deeply felt when we are willing to be vulnerable and relate to one another's lows.

So let's do that.

February.

There's only 8 days left in February and so far I've posted once. I haven't felt as motivated to blog lately. I've said it once, and I'll say it again - reader participation really does help in wanting to keep the "conversation" going (hint, hint!). But it also comes down to a lack of energy to write out my thoughts into something worth reading.

In any case, here's a montage of everything I've thought about blogging about and never got around to it:

On us...

 

We celebrate four years of marriage this month!

Tim is a month into his second semester at CSU. I'm liking his new schedule because it allows him more time at home, though we know we need to be careful in setting aside blocks of time for him to study. If all goes according to plan, he should have his English degree at the end of this year. We are so grateful for this time together, knowing that once he has a full time job all of that will change. We are so blessed. We are also so thankful that he has been healed by God of his chronic, intense, all-over joint pain through the use of magnet/infrared therapy. Sounds crazy I know, but it worked for him!

I am still enjoying my time at home with the boys, though cabin fever is beginning to take it's toll. I find myself losing my patience more and my tendency to yell increasing. Being indoors all the time with two active boys is challenging, both mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal.Facing all my health challenges has definitely added to my frustrations, but these seem to be on the upswing (praise the Lord!) so I'm hopeful. I truly can not wait for spring to be here so we can break out of winter hibernation. That all said, I count it a privilege to be a stay at home mom and I will always choose raising them myself versus another career path.

This year holds a lot of exciting things, including Tim graduating, new and exciting ventures, getting to go back to England (I can't wait!), returning to Goderich, and possibly trying for Baby # 3 - but not until the fall/winter and only if my health is stable.

On faith....

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So thankful that God is bringing us into a new and better understanding of the Gospel message and that His
G R A C E is so key, so YES! I am praising God today that for the first time in a long time I have the assurance of salvation and I can stand and say with C E R T A I N T Y that I am saved and that it is by the blood of Christ alone shed for me! How could I ever let that be taken from me? And not only that but the joy that is found in the Lord, the freedom from not being under the Law, and the deep, unending love of God for me? What Tim and I both hunger for is more of the joy of the Lord and a deeper understanding of the depth of His love for us. To truly believe those words in Zephaniah that declare:

"The Lord your God is with you,

the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

in his love He will no longer rebuke you,

but will rejoice over you with singing."

I think we have been lacking in certain areas because we doubted His love for us, his boundless compassion and forgiveness - that even on our worst days, when our obedience to His commands was left wanting, we were never beyond the reach of His grace. God IS jealous for our hearts and DOES love us passionately. Why is that so hard for me to receive? Being in His Word (which I have always struggled with) is helping every day to know Him more. From my study of the Old Testament, I'm learning that the character of God is F A I T H F U L and P A T I E N T.  The picture of having a heart of stone these past several years keeps coming to mind, and of God breathing L I F E back into my spirit makes me think of Ezekial 11:19:

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them;
I will remove from them a heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." 

I am excited as we move forward into old Truths that have become new again. I pray these Truths continue to transform our hearts and renew our minds.

On the boys....

 

They both fell in love with Raffi through watching this concert on youtube. God bless that man. His presence and song create the proverbial happy place for young and old alike. I grew up loving his music and I'm so glad my boys love him too. Here they are watching together on the living room floor. It twas short lived, but sweet nonetheless.

Individually, 

Jack is pushing all my buttons lately. Maybe it's because we took away his naps so that he'd go to bed at night without a fuss (and by fuss I mean getting up every few minutes for an hour and a half after bed time), but man is that little guy feisty these days. His new thing is saying "But...." followed by some sort of argument as to why he should or shouldn't be doing something.  So frustrating. I know he's only two and a half, but he has the communication skills of a four year old, so I tend to expect more maturity out of him than maybe I should. Figuring out this parenting thing is exhausting and I'm so keenly aware that my anger and impatience is not helping anything. I asked Jack the other night what I could do to be a better mom to him and he said "Play." So true. I admit I have a short attention span for toddler games. Plus, I think we're all overtired which just makes room for more crying (including me!) That all said, I'm daily blown away by how bright and attentive Jack is. That he's sweet, generous and thoughtful. He verbalizes his love and is quick to compliment. And he's a good little boy. This past weekend a lady came up to me while we were out for ice cream to tell me how thankful she was to see children like Jack who were well behaved.  I'm grateful she took the time to share that with me.

Moses (Bobes, more often) is getting into everything now that he's mobile and almost walking. He's taken about five steps, but tends to prefer crawling. If you scold him when he's touching something he shouldn't, he gives you a crooked little grin and then does it again. Oi ve. But I know there's not real mischevious nature behind it, just a playful nature. Moses has the best laugh once you get him going - it's right from the belly. I look foward to the day where he and I can have a conversation and he and Jack can be eachother's best friend.

The end.

August 28, 1656

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 After much weakness and sickness when my spirits were worn out, and many times my faith weak likewise, the Lord was pleased to uphold my drooping heart, and to manifest His love to me, and this is that which stays my soul that this condition that I am in is the best for me, for God doth not afflict willingly, nor take delight in grieving the children of men; He hath no benefit by my adversity, nor is He the better for my prosperity, but He doth it for my advantage, and that I may be a gainer by it. And if He knows that weakness and a frail body is the best to make me a vessel fit for His use why should I not bear it, not only willingly but joyfully? The Lord knows I dare not desire that health that sometimes I have had, lest my heart should be drawn from Him, and set upon the world.

Now I can wait, looking every day when my Savior shall call for me. Lord grant that while I live I may do that service I am able in this frail body, and be in continual expectation of my change, and let me never forget Thy great love to my soul so lately expressed, when I could lie down and bequeth my soul to Thee, and death seemed no terrible thing. O let me ever see Thee art invisible, and I shall not be unwilling to come, though by so rough a messenger. 

- from The Works of Anne Bradstreet 

On days like today, when I feel discouraged that my health is still not back to what it was, I have to remember these words of Anne Bradstreet and the fact that my ailments aren't terminal and that it's not the end of the world to be bloated everyday, even if it is really annoying.

Praying for total healing. 

Thanking God for a diagnosis

and still being diabetes free 

29 years after having most of my pancreas removed.

Upon Some Distemper of Body

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Twenty Thirteen

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2012, much like 2011, was  a roller coaster year full of ups and downs. At times it brought me great joy as well as great strife and sorrow. 2013 holds the same promise of both good days and not so good days, of heartache and laughter. Of a much anticipated trip to England but also continued stress with finances and health issues. And while I'm bracing myself for the bumpy road ahead, I still wanted to make room for some yearly goals.

My goals from this past year were simple and Lord-willing I was able to accomplish all of them satisfactorily. I still struggle in the area of being in the Word, and I didn't actually finish an unread book of the Bible, but I am closely studying the book of Genesis now (rather than just reading through it) as a result of joining Bible Study Fellowship International.

My resolutions for 2013 are still simple in nature but are a little more weighty in heart and are meant to have results that last a lifetime, not just a year.

1} Live out Mark 12:30. Jesus pins this as the Greatest Commandment of them all, and until recently I never really considered what it means to live that out intentionally. What does it look like to love God with all my mind, my heart, my soul and my strength? I'm going to spend this next year finding out and then do my very best to live it out fully.

2} Purse true health. I think I commit to this every year, but this time it's without the goal of losing weight. I want to feel healthier.  I don't know if being truly healthy means being vegan (as I've been practicing),  but I know I want to apply clean eating to my life as much as time and resources allow me. This also means drinking lots of water, getting enough rest and getting up early to exercise. While I can't control some of the health issues I'm facing, I hope that by doing these things, I will return to better health.

3} Spend less time online. I want to be present and not so connected to what everyone else is doing via Facebook. No, I'm not going to delete my account (I've tried that) But I am going to do my best to limit the number of times I log on and the number of people I follow on it.

4} Sing more. I've been singing in front of people (at church) for about 5 years now but since changing churches I never joined the worship team. Singing is something that brings me great purpose and fulfillment and joy and I hope to expand my opportunities to sing, whether it's at a coffee shop or by starting a worship night with some friends.

5} Play more. With my kids that is. Care less about a tidy house and more about creating memories. Even if that means getting messy with finger paint or acting like a complete weirdo. Life is too short to take it so seriously, and I know my boys would love it if every day were a dance party. Plus I'm pretty sure it would my heart some good.

The theme here, it seems, is to live life wholeheartedly. To be present in the moment without distraction.  Something I tend not to do.

So here's to 2013 - 

may it be a year of joy and peace

and loving God fully.

Celebrating Advent

As promised, the advent post. 

Up until this year I don't think I even really understood what advent was except in the general sense that it was the Christian term for the weeks leading up to Christmas Day (the birth of Christ). I definitely felt clueless as to how to fully recognize it. Easter always felt easier to invest myself in emotionally.  The power of the Cross is always so tangible for me - it is by His blood that I am healed. The power of the manger seemed less so. I loved thinking about holding a tiny baby Jesus in my arms and what that might be like, but beyond that it just didn't hit me in the same way as imagining Jesus on the cross, dying for my sins.  So I always left it at "The birth is nothing without the cross" or something like that. Maybe it was because, as I mentioned, I just didn't really know what to do with the advent season. After all, nowhere in Scripture are we called to recognize this holiday (or Easter) in a certain way - it's based on human tradition but is truly a matter of personal conviction.

Nevertheless, I didn't like that Christmas felt void of the fullness experienced at Easter. I felt like I was missing out on a wonderful opportunity to marvel at the humble beginnings of the Word made flesh (John 1:14). So this year, I decided to stop letting my lack of "powerful feelings" keep me from experiencing the true joy that can be found in intentionally taking part in the advent season. One of those ways is by following along in the Desiring God: Good News of Great Joy daily devotional. The reflections are brief but packed with good stuff. I really appreciated the preface which gave a short synopsis on what Advent is and why it's celebrated (helpful!):

Advent is an annual season of patient waiting, hopeful expectation, soul-searching, and calendar-watching marked by many churches, Christian families, and individual followers of Jesus. There’s no biblical mandate to observe Advent. It’s an optional thing—a tradition that developed over the course of the church’s history as a time of preparation for Christmas Day. Many of us find observing Advent to be personally enjoyable and spiritually profitable. The English word “Advent” is from the Latin adventus, which means “coming.” The advent primarily in view each December is the first coming of Jesus two millennia ago. But Jesus’s second coming gets drawn in as well, as the popular Christmas carol “Joy to the World” makes plain: 

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found.

I never knew that advent meant "coming." Knowing that helps direct my heart towards fostering a sense of anticipation. This may be obvious to others but for me, as I mentioned, this year is the first time I am approaching Christmas with new eyes and my whole heart. That said, I highlighted the part about there being no biblical mandate to observe Advent because I think it's common within Christians circles to promote the opposite - that you have to keep it strictly about Jesus and nothing more. Which is why I also appreciate this part:

Christians throughout the world have their different ways of celebrating Advent. Some light candles. Some sing songs. Some eat candies. Some give gifts. Some hang wreaths. Many of us do all of the above. Christians have developed many good ways of extending the celebration of Jesus’s coming beyond merely the short 24 hours of December 25. The incarnation of the Son of God, “for us and for our salvation,” as the old creed says it, is too big a thing to appreciate in just one day. Indeed, it’s something the Christian will celebrate for all eternity. Our prayer is that this little devotional ebook might help you keep Jesus as the center and greatest treasure of your Advent season. The candles and candies have their place, but we want to make sure that in all the December rush and hubbub we adore Jesus above all.

Yes. Good. Amen. Indeed all the trimmings of Christmas can be a serious distraction but are not all bad so long as they're kept in the background while Jesus stands at the forefront. We love putting up Christmas decorations, watching Christmas movies, and taking part in the usual Christmas festivities.

But the commercialism does bother us and now that we have kids, we are more conscious of how the other side of Christmas (Santa et al.) effects their (and our) focus of the season. For those of you wondering, we aren't doing Santa. But he won't be banned from our home - he'll simply stand in the same line up as any other fictional character - not real but fun to think about. Speaking of our kids, another way we are celebrating Advent is to do a 12 Days till Christmas countdown with the focus being again on anticipating the birth of Jesus. Jack is already solid on this knowledge, and I'm thankful that he really does show excitement that "Jesus was born on Christmas day!" But we'll also do something like this as a tangible way of experiencing the anticipation of his coming (thanks to Jami Nato for the inspiration):

In the future, I'd love to do a Jesse tree and make ornaments like this (thanks again, Jami Nato) - but it was a little ambitious for this year and a little advanced for Jack.

I've always loved the lighting of the advent wreath growing up.  My mom always bought the colored candles: three purple for the wise men, one pink for Mary and one white for Jesus. I guess you're supposed to use evergreens as well as a symbol of life but I adopted this design from the author over at Simple Notebook a few years ago. I didn't find a bundt cake pan until a few months ago (there not as easy to come by as you'd think) so this is the first year we're actually lighting candles. I found the filler + place mat at Target for $8 - total steal!

We also invested in a Nativity scene this year.  I love Fontanini sets the best, because they're more realistic and they remind me of the one my mom has. But they're seriously expensive, and this one was on sale (Tim went out at midnight on Black Friday to get it - a first). I felt it important to have the visual reminder a nativity set offers, especially for Jack. Right now it's kept on top of the book case in our dining room but as the boys get older and more responsible, I hope to keep it in a more accessible location where it can be interacted with.

Of course, these are all just visual cues and material ways of recognizing Advent. I could read a piece of Scripture a day, or light a candle every Sunday or glance up at my manger scene throughout the day but if my heart isn't right, none of it matters. The key for me, as I mentioned earlier, is to put my heart into this. Which is why I want to commit the next 14 days (and in future years, the whole advent season) to taking time each day to be in prayer and in the Word in hopeful expectation that I will wake up Christmas morning filled with a new revelation of God's presence in my life. My desire for this came when I began to think about what it would have been like two thousand years ago to live without the knowledge of the Gospel because it hadn't yet been fulfilled. Imagine being a Jew knowing that the Messiah, your Messiah, was going to be born in a few short weeks. Or, to bring it closer to home, imagine if you knew for certain that Jesus was coming back in the flesh this December 25, 2012. Imagine if on that day you knew you'd see him, touch him, hold him. I know I'd be giddy with anticipation. I'd be preparing. I'd be telling everyone. I'd be freaking.out. So I want to anticipate Jesus coming into my life in a new way on December 25. I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I do know that if I'm earnestly seeking more of him this Advent than something is going to be changed within me by Christmas morning. 

So that's me.

What are some ways you and your family recognize Advent 

or simply celebrate the Christmas season? 

How to Create a Photo Wall

The voting was a bit split so I'm just going to start with the photo wall. The advent post was a close second but I still have some thinking to do on that subject, so it will have to wait a few more days.

The story behind the creation of the photo wall is this:

Some time ago, we purchased a large framed mirror from our neighbor's garage sale. It was nice (like, Pottery Barn nice) and I'd been trying to find something for a big blank wall in our dining room. At $30, it was the right price and seemed to be just what I'd been looking for. 

Our dining room is the center of our home in the sense that it's the room which connects the front of the house to the back of the house so we walk through it frequently throughout the day. This also meant that I was walking by that mirror countless times a day and looking at it. It's no secret that I'm someone who struggles with self esteem, and beauty and appearance is totally an unhealthy obsession of mine. I feel awkward confessing this, but it's the truth and I'm positive I'm not the only woman out there who can't seem to walk by a mirror without looking into it. Yes, out of vanity but more so out of insecurity just to make sure I look ok. Some of you probably think this sounds totally self absorbed, and you're right.. it is! But it stems from years of believing that my value as a woman is found in my appearance, and never feeling as though I measure up. Which is why I had to take that mirror down. There are days when I'm so consumed with the displeasure I experience when seeing my reflection that it brings me to tears. Sometimes anger. Sometimes anguish. This has been my pattern for years. I think it's the pattern of many woman. For those of you interested, Killing Us Softly is so worth the watch if you struggle with self image like I do (I think this is just a trailer, but you can find the full version presentations elsewhere on youtube). It was eye opening for me. And it explained a lot about why I feel the way I do about myself. I bet this whole conversation was not what you were bargaining for with a post on home decor!

Anyways, long story short, putting a giant mirror in a high traffic part of our house was probably the worst decision ever and only fueled the fire of an already serious issue. It was after a few Providential conversations and "ah-hah" moments that I realized the mirror had to go. It was an idol in my house. If I could have, I would have smashed it with a baseball bat. Instead, it's in our closet because we hope to sell it - hopefully not to a woman with self image issues. 

Of course, now I was left with that giant blank spot on my wall again and nothing to fill it with. 

Or so I thought (dot dot dot). 

A picture wall, like these, is something I've been dreaming of for a while. But to achieve this, you need... you guessed it, a large blank wall! Thank heavens that mirror was removed from it's throne and in its place I now have a beautiful collection of photos depicting our story. God is so good. He gave me beauty for ashes. Max Lucado once painted the picture of us as little children sitting and eating dirt and God, being the loving Father that He is, coming over and wiping our mouths, giving us a sip of water and handing us an ice cream instead. As cheesy as it sounds, this picture wall is my ice cream (and that mirror was my dirt). I can not tell you the freedom I feel now that mirror is gone.

Phew. Ok, well here's where the heavy stuff ends and the easy part comes: the how to! 

First, you need frames (duh). Ideally, you're one of those people who has the patience to make multiple trips to thrift shops to slowly build an eclectic but inexpensive collection. I am not one of those people. Thankfully, I was blessed to already have a number of frames around my house to utilize. Another option is to buy a pre-made collection (which I tried at first), but that can be expensive and I prefer picture walls with variety rather than uniformity. It was amazing once I started looking around the house how many things I found to build my collection - even though it meant pulling a frame or two that was already in use elsewhere. Truth be told, all of the included pieces were better showcased on the wall then they had been elsewhere in the house. I did purchase two frames (about $25 total) - one large oval one and a smaller decorative one to complete the look. So far, that's all I've spent!

Once I had my frames together, I played around with the arrangement on my floor to visualize spacing and placement. The trick, of course, is figuring out how to transfer your setting from the floor to the wall.  Lauren Conrad's blog, of all places, is where I found my answer. She suggested arranging the frames on top of butcher paper,  tracing your placement and then taping it to the wall (you can read the whole tutorial here). Ingenious! Except I didn't have butcher paper on hand (who does?) so I just used sheets of computer paper for the small frames and some plain brown wrapping paper I had for the larger frames. I then cut them out individually and placed them on the wall as I had on the floor:

If you think you'll have a hard time remembering which frame belongs to which cut out, then I suggest you number both.  After you've done that, it's time to hang! The best part about using pieces of paper as placeholders for the frames is that they'll help you determine where the nail should go; once the nail's in, just rip the paper down. I have to give a shout out to Tim who did all the nailing and hanging himself. He's far better at this part than I am. Of course, he may have had a tiny helper.

Here's a picture of the final product. I was so excited to be able to use those white shelves (which Tim got for free a while ago) because they add such a great dimension to the space. 

That big gap at the top is where the oval frame goes (I wasn't sure if I was keeping it at the time). It's currently hanging in it's place but it's a gloomy day and this shot was from a sunny day with better lighting. Plus, the frame is still empty as I'm waiting on some photos from our family photo shoot with our friend Danielle. Here's a sneak peek (in case you didn't see it on Facebook).

So that's the story of the photo wall. 

Or the story of me taking steps towards a healthier self image. 

Either way, my heart is lighter because I'm eating ice cream instead of dirt.

We Already Decorated.

First of all....

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I know that proper etiquette says that one must wait until after Thanksgiving to break out the Christmas decor. Our celebration of Christmas seems to get earlier and earlier each year (November 17 to be exact). Since I'm Canadian and their Thanksgiving was celebrated last month, I'm actually right on time. Boom.

I love everything Christmas (except for the consumerism, of course) and that definitely includes the decorations + Christmas cheer. It does make me sad to think there are people out there who find this holiday depressing, whether it be because they are alone or missing someone or because it reminds them of what they don't have. And it'd probably be a good idea for me to start thinking of ways to reach out to those people and try and make their Christmas spirit bright. But I'm also really thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a family and friends to celebrate with, and a home that has a spot for our (fake) Christmas tree, and for Marc's discount store where I got a 9ft string of garland for $4 to make my kitchen pretty.

I love the lights, I love the movies, I love the excitement that surrounds the season.

I also love Christmas music and the fact that this time of year is the only time in our culture where we hear the Gospel proclaimed wherever we go in the form of Christmas carols. Carols are some of the most powerful hymns ever written and my favorite, by far, is O Holy Night. I'm moved every time I stop and really listen to the words. So. profound.

Thank you Lord, especially on this day of thanks, for giving my soul worth and hope and life. You are so good, all the time no matter the season.

Anger.

Yesterday was a day where I struggled to feel a sense of purpose. I accomplished things, but they felt small and insignificant. Like doing the dishes, or sweeping dirt off the floor for the thousandth time. I fed Jack lunch. I made a pot of soup. I made our bed. I fed Moses and put him down for a nap. I ran an errand. I got dressed and put on some makeup. I wiped noses and changed diapers. I read some books and played. I cleaned my fridge (I mean...took everything out and washed it). Not exactly something I do everyday. But despite having gotten some everyday tasks accomplished, I still feel like it's all working towards nothing of consequence. Sure, my kids have been taken care of. But I also got really impatient with Jack about not eating his bananas, and pouring water all over his paints, and spilling coffee on the floor, and crying before nap time. I have a tendency to lose my cool with him which translates to a lot of yelling. Which I as well as anyone else knows, can be pretty damaging to his internal world. So despite my caring for his physical needs, I feel like I didn't do a great job of providing for his emotional needs and once again conveyed the message that it's ok to take your anger out on someone when you don't like what's going on around you.

I want to teach my boys compassion and kindness. Not anger and harshness. And yet, I'm definitely doing more of the latter with my bad attitude. Why does it make me so mad that he won't eat his bananas? Why do I get so irritated when he insists on doing things a certain way? When he cries about something as routine as a nap? His little childlike ways often grate my nerves. And so it's easy to assess my day on the negative interactions alone, since I feel they outweigh any good interactions. Or rather, I fear for Jack, the bad outweighs the good in his little heart. That I just keep damaging him with my words and actions. Even though, for instance, I went into his room after letting him cry for a few minutes to settle him for his nap, gently stroking his head, speaking softly to him, rubbing his back, I feel like it doesn't make up for being insensitive to his feelings and the fact that he'd rather stay up and play than go to bed.

In the words of another mother - "I never knew how much anger was inside me until I had kids." I feel like this defines my mothering experience at the moment. And I desperately want that to change. And so I've made improvements and I've been praying for God to soften my heart, and in small ways that blazing fire of anger inside me has calmed a little bit. Is a little more under control. But it is still there, and it still burns my children more than I'd care to admit.

I miss feeling for Jack what I feel for Moses - compassion and tenderness. For some reason, when they're babies, it's easier to forgive so much. They ask so little of me - just to be fed, changed, and cuddled. They're little bundles of cute, chubby love. But when they're two - they demand so much. The need, the dependency upon me for what feels like more than I'm able to give is exhausting and draining.  When Jack discovered his autonomous nature, it was as if we went to war, and ever since we've been trying to bend the other's will to our own. And so I find myself in hostile territories at times; one moment we'll be having a perfectly pleasant conversation or time of play and the next he'll be coloring on something he shouldn't or hitting Moses on the head (or me) for the hundredth time, and now the pleasantries are over. I know this is all typical, that he's acting exactly as a two year old might. But for some reason, my 28 year old self does not do well in handling naughtiness or irrational behavior, and so I find myself struggling to be understanding (while still firm, of course) instead of irritated.

The thing is... I also desperately love my boys. There is a deep ache for them as well as a deep compassion for them that flows from an entirely different place than where the anger comes from. It seems that the evening is when I have the most clarity, especially when it comes to my relationship with Jack. We are both doing our best to exert our will over the other person's, so we frequently butt heads throughout the day. But at night, when he's laying in bed and we're whispering to each other, it's my chance for confession and repentance. To tell him once more that I'm sorry for the way I spoke to him earlier. To remind him that despite what I might say or do, he's special, smart and important. To try and heal the emotional wounds I may have caused with a thousand I love you's. Last night as I laid my head next to his and looked into his soft little eyes and whispered "Jack" and he whispered back "What Mommy?" something inside me broke and all of my guilt and shame over the ways I've been too hard on him or too unforgiving or too irritated or too impatient came flooding out in sobs and "I'm so sorry's." Naturally, he had no idea what to do with himself except lay quietly and wait till I collected myself and stopped crying. And when I did, I invited him to cuddle me in my bed because the need to hold him close to was so strong and I knew it would heal us both a little bit. And as I pressed my head to his chest, he wrapped his arm around my neck as if to comfort me in my sorrow over my sin and the lost innocence of our relationship which I so desperately want back.

I'm thankful I serve a God of redemption who desires reconciliation and good to come out of any broken relationship. And I know that through all of this, the light that shines in the darkness of my heart is Him exposing my anger for what it is: a refusal to lay down my life for another. He is carving my heart to be more like his, and the more parts he shaves off the more painful it is but the further He gets in completing the good work which he has started in me.

I've made progress. I'm making changes to better serve my children. And God is working on the parts of me that only He can change. All I know is I want to be filled with the JOY of mothering and I want to rejoice over my children and be filled with compassion and love for them in a new way!

Yes. Amazing. Good.

''What is the cry of your heart? Pay attention to that. Listen to what makes you angry, honour what makes your blood pump faster, what makes you come fully alive. Now go. And do. You know Jesus, you have experienced the power and the grace with your own life, you have felt it in your own heart, now go, heal, disciple, minister, love, and do likewise. Speak, breathe, prophesy, preach, get behind a pulpit, mark exam papers, run a company or a non-profit, clean your kitchen, put paint on a canvas, organize, rabble-rouse, work the Love out and in and around you, however God has made you to do it, just do it. Don’t let them fence you in or hold you back.Love your husband, love your babies, love the poor, love the orphans, love the widows, love the powerful, love the broken and the hurting, love your friends, love yourself, love your enemies, come to love the whole world in the fullness of God, in the full expression of the woman that he has created you to be, just that, no more, but certainly no less. 

Choose freedom. Choose the freedom of living loved, far from theirtables and debates and fence lines and name-callings, theirbelittling, divisive stereotypes. Extend the gift of freedom andgrace, second chances, and more grace, just as you have received them. As E.E. Cummings wrote, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." You really are created, you really are chosen, you really are cherished, so you really can be who you are. Live counterculture when the culture does not affirm truth, love, faith, mercy, and justice. 

It matters because you matter, because your daughters matter, because your sisters matter, because the people of God, and the entirety of his created world matters, because redemption matters. The kingdom of God would be better with your voice, your hands, your experiences, your stories, your truth. You can go where I cannot go, and someone needs to hear you sing your song, you are someone’s invitation. 

You are loved. 

Rest in your God-breathed worth. Stop holding your breath, hiding your gifts, ducking your head, dulling your roar, distracting your soul, stilling your hands, quieting your voice, dulling your mind, satiating your hunger with the lesser things of this world.''

-Sarah Bessey

Survival Mode.

Friends, can I be honest? Over the course of the last 12 months, we have been stretched in a way I've never experienced before. Mentally, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally. All areas of our life at some point or another have been in a state of crisis, sometimes simultaneously. All have left us living in what feels like survival mode. And by that I mean, our eyes have been taken off the leisureness of life and have been fixed on just making it through the day or making it to the next pay check.

In the three years we've been married we've moved three times, had two children, changed jobs more times than I can count, mourned the death of Tim's dad, step dad and both our grandmothers, faced a myriad of health concerns and accrued a serious amount of medical debt. In just three years. Today I finished an application for government assistance (food stamps, medicaid etc.) which I started a number of times over the past year but wasn't forced to submit until recently.

For the past ten days I've been fighting a losing battle to continue breastfeeding that's driven me to tears (and into a closet) more than once. For the past three days Jack has had a fever which turned into a case of hand, foot and mouth disease. On his birthday.

I feel like I keep being brought to the edge of either punching something or screaming and pulling my hair out. On a lighter note, if any of you watched the show Daria on MTV years ago, you might remember that the dad's eye would pop out whenever he'd get overwhelmed:

I feel like I've reached this point in my heart at least once every day this week. 

(hilarious but also kind of miserable)

I'm not sharing this to complain or to ellicit sympathy or pity or charity. Far from it. I say all this because I realize much of what I post is a glossy, squeaky clean view of our life. Not that it's dishonest - it's just as easy for me to find the joy and the blessings in our situation as well. It's not hard to put a positive spin on our situation. Let me be loud and clear when I say that

God is good and worthy to be praised for all that He has done for us.

However, I know it's easy to feel as though everyone else's life is a cake walk compared to your own, especially if you read a lot of blogs. And I think we as bloggers like to fool ourselves into believing that our lives are truly as put together as the staged pictures we post convey. But of course, they are just that - staged. Set up. A brief moment of neat and tidy, just as much in the metaphorical sense as in the literal sense. Because you know that the time on either side of the moment the photo was taken a mess was either being cleaned up or created. Somewhere in that day I yelled at my kids. Somewhere in that day I left the dishes for another twelve hours. Or failed to put a load of laundry on for the upteenth time. Somewhere in that day I lost my patience. Somewhere in that day I wished my life was easier.  Somewhere in that day I cried out to God to help because it all felt like too much.

But you only saw the part where I briefly had it all together.

So this is me saying I don't have it all together.
This is me saying that life is messy and hard, sometimes agonizingly so.

And those happy memories and moments I post about? Those are truth too. Those are the ways God blesses me and reminds me that amidst the trial, there is joy and more joy is coming and that truly, above all, my family and I have everything we need because we have Him and we have eachother.

In the light of what others in this world are facing, what others have faced but also just because, I have so much to thank Him for. It is in having hardships that we are greater aware of His goodness to us.

 ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9,10

Patience & Hope

If ever a devotional spoke directly to my heart, it's this one. This week left me feeling as though life has been drawing us down into a dark hole - one that keeps bringing us further and further into darkness. This hole is laden with trials that Tim and I have been facing both together and individually {physical pain, financial stress, lack of the joy of the Lord, spiritual dryness} and those troubles seem endless and reoccuring. Last night I asked God to not take us any further into this hole; the darkness was beginning to feel consuming. And He responded this morning through this devotional that Tim shared with me:

Patience and Hope

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning– Psalm 30:5

Weeping does indeed endure. In fact, the night of weeping can sometimes appear to be endless. When sorrow comes over us in waves, when disappointments follow hard on the heels of each other, when physical pain wracks our body — the night stretches on and on.

But here is the great consolation of Scripture. Joy is coming! It may seem to linger, but it is irresistibly moving toward you and will reach you with the darkness-shattering power of the dawn. Now matter how severe the shadows, no matter how stormy the darkness, once the dawn comes the night is easily and quickly forgotten. No darkness is so great that the coming of the Son does not drive it away.

For the Christian, the best is always yet to come. Is the energy and beauty of youth behind you? The best is yet to come. Has health and strength left you? The best is yet to come. Have you lost a loved one to that old enemy Death? The best is yet to come.

Weeping may endure; there are sorrows that simply cannot be faced without tears. But joy is coming…dawn is approaching…the best is yet to come.

How crazy is it that this touches on my exact thoughts {as bolded}!! Well, that's just God for you. He hears us. He is for us.

JOY IS COMING.

DAWN IS APPROACHING.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

I even changed our Scripture board to remind us :)

When there is more hard...

It was October. I was a sophmore at St. Augustine All-Girls Academy. I had just transferred there to be with my best friend, Stephanie, after a difficult first year at Strongsville High. Difficult enough that I spent most of the year depressed and struggling with thoughts of suicide. The move to SAA was supposed to be my ticket to happiness. And it was...for about the first two weeks. After that, everything changed. Stephanie - for reasons I can only guess at - suddenly turned into my worst enemy nightmare. It was bullying at its ugliest in the way only girls can manage - with words rather than punches. The way she would walk up behind me in a busy hallway between classes and whisper, "You're fat" in my ear or how she would humiliate me in front of a whole classroom of girls by saying some snide comment in my direction. Then one morning I found two pictures of overweight girls cut out from a magazine with hurtful words written on them that she had stuck to the front of my locker. Thankfully, I had arrived early so the halls were almost empty which spared me further humiliation. But enough was enough. I couldn't go on living like that.

I remember wishing I could talk to my sister in that moment. Hilary had been a voice of encouragement over the course of my depression - always talking me down from that ledge. She was in college at the time and had gotten involved with a group called Campus Crusade for Christ. Hilary and I had had long conversations about faith and Jesus but I still wasn't sure how I felt about it all. It wasn't that I had a hard time believing, I just wasn't ready to commit my life to it. That day, I was brought to a crossroads. As I sat in that hallway, humiliated and alone, something caused me to pull out a small booklet Hilary had given me that I kept in my book bag. It was a guide to knowing God (as seen here) with a prayer at the end asking Jesus into my life. I stopped at the prayer, knowing I was on the edge of some life-changing moment. It was now or never. I knew I'd reached the end of my current life - that I was ready to commit suicide unless something changed. And God, based on what I'd heard about Him, seemed like my only hope. And so I prayed this prayer in my heart (twice - for good measure I guess. In case the first time didn't take):

"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be"

From that day forward, life was never the same. The funny thing is, my circumstances didn't change right away. Stephanie continued to give me a hard time and I continued to face humiliation. The difference was that my outlook changed. I had something to cling to in the darkest of hours - like a mother hen draws her chicks under her wing, so God drew me under His. Jesus was and is my refuge, my example, my everything. Four years later I received a call from Stephanie apologizing for what she had done. She said her new found faith in Jesus had prompted her to make amends. That was a miracle.

It's uncomfortable to relive that part of my life and to remember the shame and humiliation . To dive back into that time when everything was dark and I was so close to choosing death instead of life. And then I come back to what my reality is now on this sunny beautiful afternoon over a decade later where so much has changed.  Where life has created life and before me are two little boys who are a part of me and my continuing story. It feels so far from where my story with Christ began and I am ever grateful for that.  However, I will never forget the power found in the pain I faced. Pain was and still is one of the fastest ways God makes paths into my heart where there wasn't one before. As this post so beautifully puts it - when there is more hard, there is also more Jesus. So while I am thankful for the freedom and joy I experience today, I am also thankful for what is hard and what is painful because it invites more of Jesus into my life.

"...But you, Lord my God,

brought my life up from the pit.

When my life was ebbing away,

I remembered you, Lord,

and my prayer rose to you,

to your holy temple.

Those who cling to worthless idols

turn away from God's love for them

But I, with shouts of grateful praise,

will sacrifice to you.

What I have vowed I will make good.

I will say, 'Salvation comes from the Lord."

                                                    Jonah 2:6-9

thankful.

Loving the work of Madeline Bea. 

This is what I strive for.

God has been blessing our family through the generosity of others in so many ways these past few months. His provision never seems to stop flowing down and I am never without reason to be thankful at the end of each day. Here are some of the amazing people he has used to show His goodness through:

{my parents}

who live with open palms, always ready to be generous to others. they have been so helpful in taking care of different aspects of putting together the boys' new room (among hundreds of other things over the course of my life. they're incredible people, truly). my mom is also my most faithful and reliable babysitter. and today she treated me to lunch, just to brighten my day.

{my brother-in-law & sister}

who have always been two people I can count on to "be there." that means a lot. they also are the reason we live in such a beautiful, affordable home. without their generosity, our living situation would probably be much different.

{our pastor & friend (and my boss) dwight}

who, along with another beloved co-worker, have made sure we are taken care of in the way of health insurance until I finish up work at the end of this year. they lifted a huge weight from our shoulders by making sure our coverage didn't end while i'm pregnant.

{two shall-remain-nameless people}

who sent us checks in the mail. we've never asked for money. and yet, these two kind souls took it upon themselves to make sure we wouldn't go without. 

incredible.

{marge brady}

what a gift it is when someone takes the time to help you when no one else will. on a day when my insurance company was of no help and it was looking like I'd have to pay hundreds of $$ out of pocket for diabetes testing supplies (cue lots of stress and tears) this lady made sure to return my call and reassure me that i'd have my supplies (free of charge) in a matter of days. I think I thanked her about five times. she also called a few days later to see how I was doing. 

{gwendolyn}

who reads my blog and offered to donate her children's old wooden kitchen set + a wooden play washing machine to us after she saw my post about Jack's Christmas present. free of charge. and we have yet to meet in person. i was so blessed by this gesture!

I don't want to end this post without thanking everyone for their prayers throughout this sometimes difficult season in our life. Those prayers have helped to keep me feeling surrounded by love and support - they are of so much value to us. It's a comfort to know that we have such incredible friends and family looking out for us. 

There is so much to be Thankful for this year. 

And to be able to say that is a blessing in and of itself.