Soothe.

After a day like today, when tears seemed always at the ready, this verse is like salve on a wound (photo credit: Irene Suchocki):

Questions

15 weeks today and that little baby to the right just keeps getting skinnier... (?)

Our life right now is all.about.waiting. Waiting for lots of answers to questions like:

Are we moving to Canada?

Will Tim find a job in Cleveland?

Is the baby a boy or a girl?

What are we going to do about healthcare?

Will we have to go on welfare if Tim doesn't find a job?

Can we even afford to move?

Is the baby healthy?

Will we find the support we need?

I know all these questions will be answered in due time and that God is in control of this situation. I know that He has a plan that I can't yet see (but oh how I wish he'd let me take a peek!) I know that he is using this time of uncertainty to strengthen our faith. I know everything will somehow be ok in the end. I know that I should never rush the present into the future, since I don't know what the future holds.

I know all these things, and yet still I'm impatient for answers. My "need to know" nature is a burden at times like this. It lays itself on my chest like a great weight that causes me to have to take deep breaths and exhale slowly throughout the day to relieve the pressure.

I know all these things, but I pray that God will sustain me in the midst of all my questions and allow me the peace of mind that comes with finding contentment regardless of my circumstances.

A Bitter Root

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" Hebrews 12:14-15

I feel as though a bitter root has found its home in my heart. When it was first planted, I know not. But it's there and I'm beginning to realize how easily it can ensnare my thoughts and words. Since being made aware of its presence, I now feel armed with the ability to fight its negative tone with a spirit of wanting to see the good side of every soul and situation. Heaven forbid I leave this earth being thought of as someone who constantly complained and pointed out the failures and faults in every little thing. I fear that I've become a very critical person with a heart of stone, instead of a heart of flesh. What grieving this brings to the Spirit!

Lord, help me to be a voice of encouragement and thanksgiving; may my words speak life over situations and souls!

"From the fruit of their mouth a person's stomach is filled;

with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied.

The tongue has the power of life and death,

and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Proverbs 18:20-21

Waiting for the light to change.

Since my last post not a lot has changed; we still feel a bit unsettled in where we're at and definitely impatient to just get on with transitioning into a new job and routine. Sadly, Canada is no longer looking like a viable option at this point. While the prospects of moving so far so quickly were a bit daunting, we both felt excited about the idea of starting fresh.

But whether here or there, we've decided it's time to take some steps toward proactively seeking out better support groups and situations. A lot of that though is going to have to come first and foremost from us. From me especially with my attitudes about things.

For now I just want to move on. And its hard still being in that holding place. It's hard knowing something is coming to an end without having a clear "next point of arrival" in sight. That said, I'm trying to be thankful for what we have now and not rush the unknown which could prove to be way more challenging than our situation now. Or - and here's my hope - it could be a situation that is so much better suited to our growing family.

Speaking of growing - Jack is taking steps (literally) towards becoming a full-on toddler. Within the span of about ten days he went from army crawling to crawling properly to walking! He's still a bit unsteady on his feet, but with every passing day he takes more and more steps without faltering. He also had his first haircut and its amazing the difference it makes in his "maturing" appearance. Since he tends to throw a fit when I try to cut his nails, I wasn't quite sure how he'd react to having his hair trimmed (it was beginning to look like a mullet at the back). But with a bit of vanilla ice cream to distract him, it was a walk in the park!

Looking for adventure

I really want a change of scenery. And not just any change of scenery - one that I feel certain is in the center of God's perfect will and somewhere I can (ideally) feel excited about.

We've been really hoping that this next season will open up doors to new places. Our hopes have been set on Canada, but we're not sure if that's really in God's plan for us just yet. However, I love the idea of "going home" and living in Ontario again.

Thankfully, I'm also ok with staying put. For now anyways, not for always. I don't want to be in the Cleveland-area ten years from now. Maybe not even five years from now. Or two years. But God has a way, thankfully, of making things happen at just the right time, whether quickly or not too soon. The trick of course, is finding contentment in those holding places that God keeps us in sometimes.

I feel like Cleveland is a holding place. It's always been a layover between more desirable locations. A place to rest before moving somewhere else. I didn't think I'd be camped out here for so many years - in fact, I'm starting to feel like we may be stuck here forever! But then lots of good has come from staying, so I just have to keep trusting, trusting, trusting.

We're praying that even if we are here for a few more years that change will still come but more from within, I suppose, than from obvious outside circumstances. As we look ahead to the very near future, we're praying for:

1) A true sense of close-knit community

2) A new job that provides for our family

3) Support for when the next baby comes

4) A closer walk with God - the kind you can't go back on; the kind that transforms you forever.

I'm trusting God to provide all these things. I've been reminded over the past few days that God is the only one who can work this situation for our good.

Answers

For the past year, Tim and I have felt somewhat unsettled with the path we're on. Not because we felt it was out of God's will, per say, but rather that we felt He wanted more for us and more from us. However, either of these things just didn't seem to be happening with the current situation.

More and more we've been pressed to ask for God's clear direction on what's next for us and in the last month (since finding out I was pregnant) it's become a desperate plea. Even though our hearts were being pulled in a new direction, we wanted God's confirmation before taking any definitive steps and I was beginning to think that He was just going to let us figure it out for ourselves.

But of course, as God's timing often calls for patience, it wasn't until this week that we finally received confirmation on what to expect in the coming months.

And it's good and it's freeing and it leaves so much room for uncertainty. Which could (and should?) freak us out, I suppose. But for the first time in years I feel like an adventure with God, free from any obligations to man, is truly in front of me. And I'm excited.

Still sick

I've been sick for two months. And not pregnant sick - just normal person sick. Except not normal because this chest and head cold is hanging on for dear life. It's resulted in a whole lot of laziness and lack of motivation across the board. On top of that, I am pregnant sick. Thankfully (I suppose) I just suffer from a whole lot of nausea that never results in a trip to the bathroom - just a whole lot of moans and groans and generally feeling sorry for myself. Speaking of pregnancy I have my first appointment with the doctor today to check on how things (or the baby, rather) is developing. This pregnancy has been one of shock more than it has been... excitement.... so I'm still sort of in a daze about the whole thing.

Oh - and did I mention that Jack turned 1 year old?!! I debated writing a whole post about it the day of but as I said... sick and tired doesn't equal much motivation to put things down on virtual paper. His actual birth-day was a quiet affair at my parents with dinner and cake (vegan banana cake) which turned out to be scrumptious and we had the joy of watching Jack literally shovel it into his mouth in the way that kids do. He got a dump truck and a pail with tools for the beach (we're going to Goderich!!!!!!!!!) which he was very excited about, as well as some nice outfits which he didn't pay much attention to, but we loved.

And that is the story of my current health and Jack's first birthday.

The End.